As I have written about before, we are almost trained to be outcome dependent. Like with most of the stuff we are systematically trained to be, being outcome dependent is like being a frog that is placed in warm water with the temperature slowly being increased. You will not know the harsh effects of being outcome dependent until you are completely cooked.
And like anything, there are varying degrees of outcome dependence. While I have no qualms about demonizing any form of outcome dependence as it is toxic in any form, there are certainly degrees of it that are more toxic than others.
Some outcome dependent people are just desperate, but nothing else. They aren’t control freaks, and while they do have very unrealistic expectations for others, they don’t really get too emotional about how things are.
There are two reasons why they act this way. First, their emotional stake is low. Even if they are desperate for something, they do not care enough about it to get mad if they do not get it.
The second is because they are timid. They have a lot of emotional stake, and they want to be upset about certain things, but they are too nervous or afraid of consequences to carry out their frustrations. This group could also not be timid but too courteous to be upset about stuff.
If you have this kind of outcome dependence, you are still a toxic person, but you are being toxic to yourself. Being desperate and needy will hold you back a lot, even if you do not lash out at not getting what you “want.”
There is, however, a different breed of outcome dependent people. This group has an even stronger emotional stake in certain things, and have no qualms in carrying out their frustrations when their psychotic expectations are not met.
I call these individuals outcome dependent degenerates (ODDs for short).
I’m seeing a pretty unsettling trend in how our culture deals with expectations nowadays. As I wrote about earlier, expectations always exist, and it is very important to be aware of these expectations.
People who have these kinds of expectations and who get really upset when they are not met are not only toxic to themselves, but they are toxic to others as well.
What is a control freak?
Control freaks are some of the most toxic people I have ever come across, and are also some of the most outcome dependent. They are also by far the most selfish.
They are this way because of two reasons.
First, their set of principles and values don’t dictate how they conduct themselves, but rather serve as a way to dictate how others should conduct themselves around them.
Control freaks are the type who will say, even to grown adults (and even to grown adults who they do not know too well), that they “know what is best for them.” If they do not say this directly, they will certainly refer to it.
This gets even worse if their principles and values are derived from cultural factors. Because now not only are they using these things to try to tell others how to conduct themselves, it is coming from an artificial place. They also use this excuse to try to tell others that they are making the world a better place.
People who were raised in religious households or other households that revolve around unquestionable dogma understand exactly what I am talking about. It is what I had to endure until my mid 20s, which was when my father died.
The second thing relates to their desperation. Because they essentially have a God complex, control freaks have unrealistic, inhumane expectations for the people around them. They have these expectations because they are narcissistic, and they are narcissistic because they are outcome dependent.
That’s right, outcome dependence and narcissism are a symbiotic relationship. You need to be narcissistic to be outcome dependent, and vice versa.
Now there is a way to develop what I call “ethical” narcissism, but control freaks and ODDs have a very hard time developing this. Ethical narcissism requires a person to think highly of him or herself, but also requires them to be self aware of their unusually high self esteem. ODDs do not possess this degree of self awareness.
Do you have an ODD in your life?
ODDs are much different than most other outcome dependent people. Remember, these are toxic people who will stop at nothing to make sure that you are under their control. Here are some of their traits, from what I have experienced.
-They rely on a strategy called “gaslighting.” This is where they get you to question your own motives.
-They will stop at nothing to make you feel guilty or shameful about the things you have done, even if you have not done anything wrong.
-They say they are proud of others, not happy for others.
-They will hurl accusations, no matter how small the issue is. They will even accuse you of things you did not do.
-Everything to them is a big deal. There is no such thing as a “minor issue” for them.
-If they are not openly collectivist, they will talk about political and social issues a lot.
-They think very highly of themselves and will stop at nothing to convince others of this.
–Dopamine is a very regular part of their lives, and they look for dopamine spikes in everything, even things that traditionally do not cause dopamine spikes.
-Because Dopamine is a regular part of their lives, so is drama. ODDs see no qualms in wasting hours of a person’s time arguing about anything under the sun.
-If you are not conducting yourself to their exact expectations (which are often unsaid), you are a bad person. Or you are a “disappointment.” When people say that they are disappointed in another, they are really trying to say that the other person did not meet their expectations. But because they do not want to be seen as selfish, they use the weaker “disappointed.”
-Being masters of manipulation, they know exactly what to say or do to reel people back into their lives and to keep people in their lives.
I am certain that there are more traits, but these are the traits that I have encountered (and when I was an ODD myself, exhibited).
What should you do if you have ODDs in your life?
The easiest answer is to get them out of your life as soon as you can. Nobody deserves to be around such toxic people, and these people, while they are not direct about it, they have no interest in your happiness.
And to be honest, they do not even have an interest in their own happiness. A lot of ODDs are miserable people who want other people to be just as miserable as they. Whether they are self aware of it or not, that is their goal.
But there are situations where you cannot get an ODD out of your life. If you rely on them for money or shelter, then you need to do your best to make sure that you are around them as little as possible.
You cannot allow ODDs in your life to determine what to do with your life. You cannot allow them to suck you into their drama and their toxic way of living.
If you are an ODD yourself, the first thing you need to do is be self aware. You need to understand that you are neither perfect nor special. Never forget that outcome dependence comes from an addiction to emotions, and when you are aware of this, you will see the error of your ways. Limiting your sources of dopamine will also help a lot.