Parents Are Abusive By Nature, Change My Mind #1: My Parenting Standards And Why People Have Children


Before you freak out, remember:

This is my opinion.

Do you understand?

O P I N I O N.

Just like I think Game of Thrones is overrated (seriously, I watched like 10 minutes of it on youtube, shrugged, said “meh, whatever” then went back to whatever I was doing) and that wrestling has become like the movie Groundhog Day, this is my opinion.

Is it going to be a valid opinion? I don’t know, we’ll find out. I think I have enough background in social science and social theory to construct a solid argument for my case.

I promise not to sound too emotional when presenting this argument. I’m not going to go on some whiny rant about how my parents were massive assholes who never did anything good for me, because not only is that statement inaccurate, but it’s also very unfounded.

Coming up with something like “my folks treated me bad! All parents are abusive! Waaaah!” would be very childish.

I don’t do childish. I do rational and objective.

But I also do self-accountable. And from what I’ve been seeing, a lot of parents are failing at being self-accountable.

I’m also not going to judge the age of some of these parents. I’ve known parents in their 20s who are more mature than those in their 40s. I’m not one of these types who shames a person who becomes a parent in their teens.

I don’t judge based on anything on the outside. I judge based on habits, actions, and decisions.

And boy, have I seen some parents be questionable in their habits, actions, and decisions.

One thing that will probably sound harsh is that I do have certain standards for parents, and they are pretty strict.

Why are they strict?

Because they are the standards that I have promised to meet if I ever want to start a family myself.

Here are the standards.

Joelsuf’s parenting standards

Here are my standards for parents. Remember, these are standards that I have for myself if I ever decide to start a family.

In order to be a parent, you must prepare to do the following, possess the following traits, or have accomplished the following:

-Make at least $50k per year across at least two income streams, preferably location independent (per parent)
-Commit to not going out late at night until your child turns 18. Working graveyard shift is acceptable, but not recommended.
-Make sure your child has positive masculine and feminine influences, no matter the sex or gender of the child. Both influences are necessary for any human being.
-Be completely finished with school. If you want to go back, you must wait until your child is 18.
-Show your child how to be independent in their impending adulthood. By the time they turn 16 or so, your child should know exactly how to be independent: How to keep track of how much money they have, how to start a lease on an apartment, how to get a job (and keep one, and how to properly ask for a promotion/raise, as well as how to start a business), how to balance their bank account, how to open a bank account, all these things.
-Be willing to tell your child that they cannot live with you anymore, for any reason, after the age of 25 (unless they are too disabled to be independent). This is what happened to Grant Cardone, and he’s one of the most successful people on the planet.

These are standards that I hold to myself whenever I become a parent. If I’m going to raise a child, I want to make sure that they will be able to survive and be successful on their own.

For the last five or so years, I have been interested in long term sustainability and happiness, no matter how much I might not like it in the short term. That also goes for any form of family that I decide to raise.

Do most parents do this?

If you are reading this and you are a parent, do you do this?

Be brutally honest with yourself, as this very list, and my observation that a parent should be interested in their child’s long term success and happiness will be the core of my argument.

Why do people have children, anyway?

This seems like a dumb question to ask.

But here’s why it is a dumb question to ask: Look at how dumb the usual answers are.

“Everyone else I know is having children, so I feel obligated to have them too.”
“I made a mistake and didn’t use protection the last time I had sex, so now I feel like I need to keep this child.”
“I always wanted to have children! It’ll be so much fun/new!”
“My family said that they will be disappointed if I don’t have children by ____, so in order to stay on their good side, I feel obligated to have children.”
“If I don’t have children now, I don’t think I’ll have the opportunity to have them again.”

These are, in my estimation, some pretty bad reasons to have children. And yet, these are reasons you will hear. Perhaps they are reasons that you have given. Hell, there are people I know who have children who have children. And it is possible that they had children for one of these reasons.

If one of these reasons are why you had children, I can’t blame you. A lot of these reasons are based in emotion, and acting on emotions is a nigh insurmountable temptation to overcome, especially when it comes to something such as family.

Does it make you a bad person that you gave into these temptations? No.

But it does mean that you now need to be more responsible than ever. Here’s what I think these responsibilities are:

Responsibilities that parents need to have

This is where I get harsh.

“But Joelsuf, you don’t have children! You don’t know-”

Shut your mouth. Again, this is my opinion. Stop acting like your child.

Here’s what I think being a responsible parent is all about.

Partying at the until 4 in the morning on any day, no matter the cause, even if you have a babysitter, shouldn’t even cross your mind. Even if you are 22 years old and all of your friends are begging you to party with them.

In fact, from the time you have this child until the day they move away from you, you should probably do the following:

Not touch a drop of alcohol.
Not touch any marijuana, or ANY tobacco.
Show (not tell) your child how to be a monk and why they should be a monk…at least for a little while.

There are some other things as well, but these are the big three.

You’ll need to also take time off school, even if you are in college and unfortunately enough, even if you are in high school. When you have a child, money, sustainability, and proper childcare are the only things you can concentrate on. Going to school takes time and you need that time to make money so you can be sustainable.

You also need someone who isn’t a babysitter you hired to take care of the child while you are out working (and again, not partying). This means either fixing things in your current relationship or if the person you had the child with left you, finding someone who is able to take care of your child for free when you are gone.

This will require you to possibly take advantage of people. So what? Put someone in the friend zone and let them take care of your children. If they’re weak enough to let themselves be in the friend zone, they are expendable enough to stay in it. You may as well have them do all kinds of favors for you while at it.

And finally, it means that once you have a child, you should be thinking at least 25 years ahead.

There is no “coasting” when it comes to being a parent. Being a parent isn’t a full time job, it’s an all-time job. For yourself, at least.

The good part is that when you begin leading your children by example, raising them is actually very easy. This is where I wish I had some experience in raising children so I could write about this process and make tons of money off of it, but alas, I do not.

I fully admit that I am not up to this kind of task. The all-time job of raising a child is not for me.


Do you know parents who think this way?

If you are a parent, do you think this way?

If you plan on having children, are you ready to make a 25 year commitment? Were you ready to make a 25 year commitment when you had your child?

Were you?

Don’t give me the answer you think I want to hear; it’s not my child that you are raising.

I’m just expressing my opinion and how I would ideally raise a child if I were interested in having one.

If you are not this responsible, it doesn’t make you a bad parent. It just means you are a less than optimal parent. But aversion to this responsibility provides the foundation for my argument, that parents are abusive by nature and need to resist the temptation to be abusive.

I’ll put this together in the next part.


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