As cynical as this may sound, I’ve never really been interested in long term monogamy.
But it took almost 15 years to realize this.
To me, long term monogamy revolves around nothing but pressure: Pressure on you to make your partner happy, and pressure placed on your partner to make you happy.
Not only have I been privy to this, but I have seen countless examples of this kind of thing from a very early age, and it took close to a decade for me to finally admit to myself that I have zero interest in long term monogamy.
Anyone who reads this blog knows my opinion on monogamy: How it isn’t natural or optimal and never has been.
Monogamy is a part of Crush Culture, which has been making dating, sex, and relationships unnecessarily toxic for centuries.
Something else that has been making dating, sex, and relationships toxic are sex-negative attitudes, but I’ll save my article on that for another day.
Long term monogamy is not an optimal relationship structure. It isn’t natural either.
It never was.
The only optimal relationship structure is a relationship structure where there is no pressure to be with the same person all the time.
Human beings crave freedom and adventure.
It’s in our damn genetic code.
How much freedom and adventure is in an exclusive, monogamous relationship?
Is there any?
No. There isn’t.
You can convince yourself until the cows come home that “well I don’t need freedom and adventure because I have found the one for me” all you want, but your brain will disagree, and it will desire new things whether you like it or not.
Monogamy is not the optimal (or the most “ethical”) relationship structure.
Does this mean that you are a bad person if you decide to be monogamous?
Of course not.
It does mean that in my opinion, you are selling yourself short when it comes to your own happiness (and maybe even your partner’s).
Now that you know my stance on monogamy, I’d like to explore three particular events that took place in my life that led me to stop pursuing monogamy.
My parents divorce
When my mother left my father when I was an adolescent, my trust for women plummeted, yet I still wanted to seek out a figure to replace my mother.
I had heard of parents who were divorced, and because I was so cynical about things in my youth, I almost predicted that my parents would divorce.
When it actually happened, I was very mad at my mother. I embraced this anger and made me addicted to the emotion to where I enjoyed being mad and angry for right around 15 years or so.
I would fly into rages and wish death on my mother a lot in my youth.
I would see couples in high school and feel a short pang of jealousy but then I would remind myself that they probably won’t be together for a long time. After all, if my parents couldn’t last 20 years in a marriage, what chance do high school kids have?
Although I still wanted a girlfriend in my high school years, I wanted a replacement for my mother more than a sex partner. I remember being mocked by my buddies because I made the mistake of saying this in front of them.
Over time, I would eventually desire a partner for both sex and support, but then the second thing happened.
My childhood friend gets cheated on
This isn’t my own life event so much as it is me witnessing another person’s mental state eventually deteriorate after a life event of his own.
About five years after my mother ran out on my father, my childhood friend began going out with a girl who he was working with.
Considering my own mental state at the time, I should have been psychotically jealous of him, but I was not.
There were two reasons I was not jealous. First, I wasn’t around him enough. I was away at college at the time, so I only saw my childhood friend during college breaks.
Second, I simply did not have the time. When you are a college student and you are taking everything in college seriously, you don’t really have the time for negative emotions.
But when I witnessed him being cheated on and the eventual collapse of his mental state in the wake of it, it got me to question monogamy even more.
But this was not enough.
I needed something that would get me to decisively walk away from monogamy.
I needed to attempt to be monogamous myself.
And this wouldn’t happen for nearly a decade after witnessing this.
“I can’t be friends with you anymore”
This was a text I had gotten from a woman who I developed psychotic one-itis for.
It is the straw that broke the camel’s back when it came to my place in Crush Culture.
It is this very text that got me to rage against this process of looking to members of the opposite sex for good emotions and esteem. After I got it, I got back to my apartment and said “that’s it, I am done catching stupid feelings for chicks!”
Here’s the backstory.
Because I was still partially concerned with my social status in my early 30s, I was calling her my girlfriend.
This was a woman who I met while visiting my mother. She worked with my mother and was very attracted to me.
We had sex the day we met, and I caught all kinds of ridiculous feelings for her right out of the gate.
I’m just glad that we had sex, because if we did not have sex, the feelings would have been even worse and it would have affected my mental state even more.
This was not fair to her, not fair to me, and like with the cheerleader who accused me of harassment over a decade before, I knew what I was doing.
I was just too addicted to my emotions to care.
This resulted in me passing up opportunity after opportunity after opportunity with woman after girl after chick for nearly two years.
And this particular lady was nearly 700 miles away.
I would promise to come see her, and something would come up.
She never considered driving out to see me.
Why is that?
In the back of my mind, I knew the answer.
Because I had one-itis, I wasn’t respecting her, and therefore she was not comfortable seeing me.
After I received that text, I met another woman online.
This woman was in an open relationship with another woman and wanted a friend with benefits.
And after that, it was off to the races.
No pressure, no one-itis, no catching stupid feelings that don’t mean anything, just good sex and good company.
From then on, that is literally the only thing I promise to any woman I decide to go out with: Good company and good sex.
That’s all I’m good for as a man. That’s literally all I promise to provide. I can’t and won’t provide anything else.
That’s all I want from a woman.
And yes, I say this on the very first date.
They ask me: “What do you want in a partner?”
I answer: “Good company and good sex.”
And I leave it at that.
Like my stepfather says: “It’s simple like dat.”
Does this make me a bad person?
If you follow Crush Culture, it does.
But guess what?
If you follow Crush Culture, you don’t respect your partner or potential partner.
But check this out.
If you catch feelings or force your partner into monogamy, then you are the bad person, friend.
There are two things that are sacrificed in Crush Culture: Boundaries and conveniences.
Some women want guys to replace their father.
They want men to buy stuff for them, listen to their problems, take care of their children, and other nonsense like that. This gives them good emotions.
And guess what? Some men want women to replace their mother.
They want women to “support” them, and in some cases want women to buy stuff for them and take care of them. This gives them good emotions.
There are even groups of men who trick themselves into thinking that they are “fighting the system” by doing this. Shameful.
This is how conveniences are compromised when you are under the influence of “crush.” When you are in a monogamous relationship, you are either intentionally or unintentionally attempting to make things convenient for you at someone else’s expense.
Does this also happen with boundaries?
I have witnessed so many couples around me complain about being “checked up on,” as if their partner was their mommy or daddy.
Then they bitch about how their partner doesn’t like to be checked up on.
To me, this is absurd.
Do you not want to grow the fuck up?
Are you so addicted to your ego’s good emotions that you can’t stomach someone else being with your partner?
Do you not have the fortitude to seek out other people to spend time with?
Or do you want to just monopolize your partner’s time, like they are your property?
Now it is true that I might be exaggerating here. I’m sure that there are plenty of happy couples out there that do not mind being “tied down” to each other…
Until they get bored.
Until they want some freedom and adventure.
And a human being can only tolerate so much before they self destruct.
Don’t feel bad if you are in a monogamous relationship. Society has told us for centuries that they are not only the optimal kind of relationship but the only kind of relationship structure worth having.
It reminds me of a massive lie that was told to myself and my fellow students when I was younger:
“You need to be in love in order to have sex.”
“Love is the only thing that makes sex worth having.”
Do you want to know what happens to those who actually follow this kind of advice?
Not only do they sell themselves short on their sex life massively, but they are also inadvertently disrespecting the opposite sex by “expecting” them to have sex with them because they are “in love.”
Neither of these statements are true.
I have listed three things I have witnessed that proved to me that Crush Culture guarantees that traditional monogamy is toxic in nature.
There are many more examples, and you know it.
Good company and good sex are the only thing you can promise anybody who you are attracted to.
Everything else is a lie.